PEOPLE

I'm not quite sure why I am writing this. There are times where I believe I am too reflective. However, anyone who's gone through rough moments within their lives, whether it be the loss of a loved one, rejection, or illness knows that it allows for a time of deep introspection. You begin to question things that you never had before. The question, "What is the meaning of life?" that once seemed frivolous, is now significant, and is an answer that you actively search for. I'm 22 years old, with very little life experience compared to most, but the answer that I've been able to come up with is "people".

Take a second and imagine something. Close your eyes, and try to visualize the earth where there are no buildings, no sanitation, and no other human beings. There is nothing to this world beside the landscape that you used to peer out at from your window. You're all alone in this world, similar to the concept of a deserted island. Do you think you'd be able to attain happiness in this version of your life? Sure, this sounds like a Greenpeace member's wet dream, and if we don't curtail our rate of consumption we may very well be handing this type of world to future generations. However, I feel the answer for most would be a resounding "No".

When I leave my house now and walk through a city or town I'm amazed at the thought that we built this. We constructed these immensely complex societies, through generations of fostering education and cooperation with one another. It's our duty to soak up everything that past generations have to offer us, then build upon it ourselves and pass it down to our young one's. That is a fulfilling life, and that is our purpose. This may sound redundant, but knowledge and love will provide you with more wealth than any material objects ever could.

Human beings are social animals, we need to be able to connect emotionally and foster relationships with others, it's what gives our lives meaning and purpose. Unfortunately, I feel as if we're entering into an age in which we are becoming increasingly disconnected with one another. Technology, something that was able to make communication easier, may ultimately make it harder upon us and future generations. Bear in mind, the technological advancements are great as long as people use them properly. But when you're out to dinner with friends and spend the entire time on Facebook, or you spend hours a day taking the appropriate selfie to put on Instagram, you're out of touch with what's reality.

We no longer value friendship or connection like those who came before us. We now are mostly concerned with flaunting ourselves, and attaining a lifestyle that others would be envious of. We market ourselves through these social media outlets trying to create a picture of how close we are to being perfect. I don't know about you but I don't want to live in a world where everyone is perfect. Where's the fun in that? I constantly see people our age who are absurdly insecure, yet will go to great lengths to paint themselves as if they are without any flaws.

Flaws are what make us unique, it's what makes us human beings. Media will constantly fill you with images on why you don't fit society, and what you must acquire to achieve this normalcy that is so coveted. What should you say to these images being thrown your way making you feel inadequate? Fuck Em!

I am not saying that I constantly abide to these traits, but these are traits that I find most appealing in people, traits that I believe our world is doing a pretty good job of devaluing:

1. Vulnerability - Being vulnerable is usually linked with weakness, but I feel the opposite to be true. Yes, we are supposed to constantly flex our muscle and show how the world can't beat us down, but that is unrealistic and fake. We are vulnerable creatures, it's perfectly natural. What's unnatural is to deny our vulnerabilities and go through great lengths to hide them at all costs. I admire those who can be open about what their faults are, the people who allow you to see them for who they really are. I'm under the belief that that takes much more strength than walking around blindly parading how awesome you are. Now, bear in mind, when I say be vulnerable, I don't mean go on Facebook and rant to strangers about how much you hate yourself. I'm merely advising you to be open with those who you're close with. This is the very reason I will not list my insecurities through some blog, but if you're a friend and want to know on a personal level, than I'd be more than happy to oblige.

2. Compassion - In order for one to be vulnerable, others must be compassionate. To be empathetic may not come right away to some. More often than not, it's a trait that needs to be cultivated through life experiences and your own personal effort. But compassion is key to being human. It takes a truly special person to be able to feel someone else's pain or elation. If we are to succeed and prosper as people, we need to be able to understand each other, and empathize with what others may be going through, otherwise we will never be able to fully grasp the consequences of our actions (which is truly dangerous). Throughout your life, I feel it's important to be able to do your best to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Try to understand them instead of neglecting them.

3. Sincerity - I'm a hypocrite as I dont fully take part in this trait. I was taught to look out for my own interests among everything else, honesty was not valued in that ideology. However, those who are sincere and genuine in their actions are those who will forever be most respected among their peers. The true measure of someone's character is the ability one has to help someone else that can do nothing for them. Instead of constantly playing psychological games with a person to obtain what you want out of them, just be open and honest. It will likely help you in the long-run and create more trusting relationships throughout your life.

4. Easygoing - I think this trait is pretty self-explanatory, but I'll add my two cents anyways. Life is hard, it's supposed to be. But life is also fun, and if you take yourself too seriously you're going to have an unfulfilling existence. It's ok to make fun of yourself as long as it's not self-humiliating. Would you rather be around someone who constantly finds faults with everything, or someone who consistently lets things roll off his shoulder and finds the good within every day. Whether you are aware of it or not, life is extremely fragile, so it's important savor the time you do have. Life is messy, enjoy it!

5. Impervious - Let me clarify, when I say impervious, I mean impervious to comparing yourself with others. If your worth and value as a person are tied to what others are doing than you may be in for a life of disappointment. We are given these rigid paths that we must abide by, and if we fall off the path at any point than we are told we've failed because others haven't. The truth is, we all have different paths in life, none are identical. I can not stress this enough, but do not constantly measure yourself up against others. No one is going to want to spend time with the person who uses others as nothing more than a measuring stick for him or herself. Yes, you do need to listen to what other people think, it's impossible not to. An important quality is the ability to take in constructive criticism, but it shouldn't be everything. There are people in this world who aren't going to like you and that's perfectly ok. If you get too caught into what others think, it's going to do nothing but drive you mad. As long as you like yourself, that should be enough!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you found some pleasure in this ridiculous rant of mine :)

Recovery

As I was bored and reopened this blog I realized that an uplifting post was long overdue. Considering that the last time I wrote this I was on the verge of calling it quits, I figured an update was sorely needed. Reading through all the posts I've written is bittersweet. It's somewhat nostalgic reading through the posts I wrote while traveling as if it was yesterday. But it quickly grows bitter as I move through the various posts to the date when this suddenly transformed from something meant to detail my life abroad to an account of my medical journey, fighting to keep my head above water so to speak.

It was only two months ago that I felt like I had finally lost this war. My previous doctor who had been overseeing my care told me that I wasn't getting better due to the fact I had a spell cast on me while I was in Africa. I was utterly demoralized in every sense of the word. I could no longer eat without vomiting, crawling out of bed was comparable to climbing a mountain, and the pain I experienced was excruciating. I once had a thirst for life, I wanted to experience life to its fullest potential and do everything I had dreamed of. However, I had now reached the point in which I could no longer live within my own body. The pain was too much, the fatigue too great, and the mental toll too devastating. I'm not exactly sure what I would have done, and I'm not comfortable really confiding every detail for everyone to see, but the fact remains I had reached the point where if things didn't improve quickly I saw no way in which I could continue to live in my current state.

I came clean to my family and told them the burden was too great to bear any longer, I had finally reached my breaking point. And then it happened. I received a phone call from a couple I met while I was in treatment at my previous clinic. They were middle-aged, but we got along well right from the beginning. The wife had been struggling with this illness for years and had yet to see any real improvement. They called me and told me that their family friend was one of the top doctors in the country and despite the fact that he wasn't seeing new patients for another year they would get me in to see him in a couple weeks. They would also allow me to stay at their house in the Washington DC area in which they currently weren't living in. These people stepped in and essentially saved my life and expected nothing in return.

I headed out loaded up on percocet (only way I could get out the house) and flew across country to give it one last shot at winning this war. I realized if this didn't work I wouldn't have anything left to go at it again. I thought my chances at improving at this point were slim but I was still holding onto the notion that I had to give it everything I could. I owed it not only to myself, but to everyone else inflicted with this terrible illness to overcome it. I was aware that this thing was much bigger then me, and I had to muster up whatever strength I could and give it one last go.

I'll fast forward through all the laborious details and get straight to the point. Upon meeting the doctor he explained to me that I was not even a difficult case. Being in Arizona was one of the worse possible scenarios for me and I should've gone out of state from the moment I received my diagnosis. He told me, that though he couldn't make any promises he truly believed he could bring me back. The best part of this was the treatment was simply taking the right medication. There was no grueling chemo like therapy, no days with my face hovering above a toilet seat. He simply figured out what was wrong, gave me the proper medication and I got better.

It's been two months and the recovery has been nothing short of amazing so far. I was practically a vegetable upon arriving here and I'm back to essentially being fully-functional. I still have a little ways to go, I'm at around 70% so I'll still need to get that other 30% back, but that should come with time. For now it really does seem like I will overcome what has been without a doubt the most difficult time in my life. A feat I thought was nearly impossible just a few months ago.

It's strange reading through the previous posts and reflecting upon the flight I took home from Australia nearly two years ago. I remember thinking that whatever was wrong with me was no big deal. I'd take some pills for a couple weeks and I'd be fine. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I'd have to fight and claw my way just to survive over the next couple years. Fortunately, in any negative situation there is always positives to be taken. I am without a doubt certain that I will never let petty issues detour me from my happiness ever again. Life truly is a gift, something that we all take for granted. It's only when it is potentially taken from us, we come to the realization just how precious it is. If I could offer advice to anyone, please try to live life to its greatest potential. Take chances, make mistakes, keep working to attain as much happiness as humanly possible. And that happiness will likely not be provided through materialistic things, but through relationships you cultivate, and goals you set forth and then accomplish.

We live in a society where we feel as if we are safe and protected from anything adverse ever happening to us. However, I can promise that life is much more fragile then you may ever realize. Start living today instead of tomorrow!

The Circus

I'm sitting here trying to come up with a witty opening paragraph, but the words no longer transfer from my mind to the keyboard like they once were able to. I'll put all the bullshit aside and just write an update on how I'm currently doing. A lot of friends have been trying to get ahold of me, curious as to where I am now at in my life. I didn't have the stomach or the patience to tell them one by one how everything had crumbled as quickly as it had been built.

A little over three months ago, I rejoiced in thinking that the worse was finally behind me. I had spent a substantial amount of time in a chemo like therapy that ripped me to shreds. Throughout the duration of the treatment I forced myself to keep a positive outlook no matter how bleak things may actually have been. In the beginning I regressed as each week passed, and it was pretty demoralizing. Then, it suddenly happened, it was as if a light switch that had been turned off for a year was suddenly flicked on. I woke up and no longer felt as if I was dying. There were no longer periods of regression, as each day wore on I was improving more and more. Eventually the improvement was so apparent and dramatic that we felt comfortable enough to pull me off of everything and let me return to the normal life that had eluded me for some time.

I was excited at the prospect of being able to move on and put the tortuous memories of what had occurred behind me. For once, I was able to tell all the people that had constantly kept up on my situation some good news. It really was as if the most massive weight in the world had finally been lifted off of my shoulders. Unfortunately, as quickly as the situation had improved, it corroded once again at that same pace. Within a couple of months everything that I had worked so hard to beat had come right back. but this time with an even greater ferocity.

This is where the circus began. I wanted answers, I had expended all financial resources and energy into this thing. At first, my doctor had came back and said it was still side-effects from the treatment and it would eventually improve, but it never did. Months wore on, and I was not showing any signs of recovery. In actuality, it had gotten even worse. The fatigue had risen to the point where it was unbearable. I experienced severe light and sound sensitivity. Throughout these past few years, I could always make due with my iTunes or a book I enjoyed. But I no longer had the focus or initiative to make my way through any novel and listening to music had become an arduous task. Due to the sound sensitivity and constant ringing in the ears, music was no longer pleasant. Instead it had morphed into this chore, anything I tried to listen to now just sounded like loud metal objects clashing into each other.

I was entrenched in the medical maze once again, and this time words like Parkinson's or MS were thrown my way. I thought to myself, "When does it end?" As I started to talk to people who were more in-tune  to my situation it had become pretty clear that my physician had pulled me off the meds way too soon. A relapse was all but inevitable for the time frame he had kept me on everything. Without getting too much into specifics it is essentially common knowledge that when you find something that works for the patient (we did) you keep them on that medication for two months after all symptoms have resolved, not pull them off as soon as improvement is shown.

When I went back to my treating physician at Envita with this information he became a bit defensive. Suddenly our discussion had taken a wide turn left and had approached a place I didn't think was possible. The man I had entrusted the last six months of my life vented himself into a fiery harangue in which he accused me of possibly having a spell casted on me while I had been traveling. This "spell" that had been put on me was a major contributing factor to my current predicament. He then proceeded to give me the name of a minister who could perform an exorcism upon me. Lets also not forget, his speech wouldn't have been complete without incorporating a few "Finding Jesus" anecdotes. No, this is not an exaggeration, as crazy as this may sound, it all happened. When he had finished, I was at an utter loss for words, I basically had to pick my tongue up off the floor from disbelief. I simply thanked him for his time and walked out the door.

To have bought into everything someone had sold you upon, only to come to the realization that it was a huge mistake and that said person may be mentally unstable was absolutely dejecting. I came home and decided it was time to accept my losses and quit. I had given it a fair shot, but there was nothing left of me to give. I couldn't handle anymore disappointment. The fact that I had had the carrot of a normal life dangling in front of my face only to have it snatched away before I could enjoy it was too much for me. In fact, it probably made the entire situation worse.

The past few weeks, friends and family have worked on talking me into giving it one more shot. However, I am running on empty, I really don't have much left to give. I'll be moving to Michigan in a couple weeks to re-start on a treatment that will probably be brutal once again. I wish there was a happy ending to this story, I truly do wish that the next post had been about me reacclimating to a normal life. Sadly, I've had to come to the realization that nothing in this life is guaranteed and everything can change before you're even fully aware of what's happening. One of the main reasons I probably continue to push on is because before this I exhibited pretty self destructive behavior. It almost seems wrong that something like this would possibly be the thing that takes me down considering everything else I've done. If I'm going to leave this world it should be from a mistimed jump off an airplane, not from a damn bug bite and a doctor who believed he was the second-coming of christ.