Lyme recovery differs from that of other diseases. You do not progressively get better with each day, instead recovering from Lyme at its core is similar to running a marathon with peaks and valleys along the way, not a straight 100 meter sprint. In these past two months I have not only experienced every physical condition deemed possible to man, but Ive been taken through a roller coaster of every emotion that could possibly exist. Euphoria, Depression, Resentment, Pride, Sorrow, can all be explored internally within the span of a day.
My doctor had told me that my treatment would last anywhere from six months to an entire year to achieve full remission from this wretched disease. She did not mince words when she explained it would be a difficult journey and that during this time I needed to just, "Hold On!" When I began treatment I fell into a dark place. Reading one horror story after another of a patient afflicted with Lyme only left me more distressed, especially since admissions of success within treatment were rarely found. The thought of death had cast over me like a shadow that I could not escape. No matter how hard I tried to run from it, I couldn't shake it. It literally drove me mad, progressing to the point where it caused more agony than the disease itself.
Eventually I was able to come to terms with my situation, and I am now in a much better place mentally. Lyme is a disease that can possibly take your life, but more often will just rob you of everything that is special and unique to yourself. Within the Lyme community you witness people cast out by conventional medicine and left to rot away. They desperately try to cling onto any quality of life they can still claim as theirs, but to some, the burden becomes just too much and they eventually let go.
I do not fear death in itself, but I do fear a life of agony and pain. The thought of dying wasn't what left me sleepless, it was the thought of not dying. What would become of me if this disease stole everything, and left me to be nothing but an empty vessel counting his days down until his eventual demise? At last I acknowledged the fact that there was a line drawn. A line that was representative of the point where I would accept my loss to this disease. There was no need to be a beaten boxer trudging along through rounds in a fight he couldn't win, only to be drubbed even more. This may seem dark to you, but Im sure any Lyme patient can attest to the fact that calling it quits at a certain point is a normal, rational thought among us.
When I became comfortable with the fact that not every Lyme patient recovers and there indeed is a time when it's OK to bow out, I was much more at ease. There was no longer anything to fear, I quickly learned that fear had become my most aggressive agitator throughtout this process. When I began to harness that fear and use it as strength towards fighting I began to handle my situation better than ever before. I woke up with the mission to make the most of each and every day. Whether that was reading, learning a foreign language, talking with friends, or relishing and embracing the pain and fighting through it I became content.
The road to recovery is still not without its difficulties though. There are some days where I feel well enough to leave the house for the day and do something, while there are others where I'm back to being bedridden. In a months time I become ecstatic over the fact I was able to put 10 lbs. on, only to lose all that weight a week later. My doctor has said that from my bloodwork I am someone whose body is responding to treatment (Thank God!) She did admit that I have yet to turn the corner in my battle and I still have to fight my way towards beating this thing. I am aware that every day I am straddling between the line that has been drawn for myself, and the light at the end of the tunnel signifying a full recovery. I am not scared of either destination, but do hope to inch closer to that light as each day passes.
(RIP David Byrne 1991-2012)
Before I end this post, I have one last thing to touch upon I have no problem with people reading this, but I use this blog now as a way to get my thoughts and feelings out and into somewhere. A couple weeks ago myself and many others lost a close friend. Being faced with my own mortality has been tough enough, but seeing a friend go at such a young age is even tougher. The grieving process is hard and takes time. What has been difficult is I have had to witness losing two friends in just the time I've been sick.
The amazing thing about that though is those two people, Michael Graziano and David Byrne share so much in common. I had the pleasure of meeting Michael while I worked in South Africa, and I was taken in by David as a friend when I was nothing more than an awkward high school kid. I can say that both of them were similar, and thats a compliment to each of them. David and Michael both had everything going for them, and also had insurmountable odds to face. When each confided in me the mountains they had to climb to reach the point they were at I was astonished. For them to have suffered through so much and still have a personality that shone through so brightly amongst all the hardships they had incurred was truly amazing.
(RIP Michael Graziano 1988-2012)
It wasn't losing a friend that broke me down into tears, it was the fact that David and Michael were both guys you found yourself rooting for. There was nothing to dislike about either of these two, and you couldn't help but cheer them on as they made their way through life's obstacles. In a juvenile sense, watching the two of them leave this earth too soon is like watching your favorite team lose. To steal a quote from Charlie Sheen, David and Michael deserved to win! They were too talented, and too good of human beings not to come out on top. Having to see them go is hard, but I can honestly say when it is my time to go, I will leave this earth knowing I had lived a richer life by meeting David Byrne and Michael Graziano. I looked up to the both of you, and Im sure I wasn't the only one.
I plan on writing a post every couple months as I navigate my way through treatment. I have to say the past eight months has been the most humbling experience in my life. I truly do have a different perspective and outlook upon life, I honestly feel things that I never did before. I'd be lying if I said I am happy that I got Lyme, Id be much happier if I was never afflicted with this roller coaster ride. But I'd also be lying if I said this hasn't made me a better person. If I've learned anything from this experience, you have to take your victories wherever you can.
