The cult of self dominated my entire thought process. I exhibited the classic traits of a psychopath: superficial charm, grandiosity, and self-importance. I had a need for constant stimulation, a penchant for lying, deception, and manipulation, the inability to feel remorse or guilt. In other words, by the time I had reached adulthood a monster had been created. I internally knew something wasn't right, that the pieces didn't quite fit. As I began to mature I was riddled with a sense of guilt; I had done nothing to earn everything I had been given. I remember at nineteen looking into the mirror and being ashamed of the reflection that peered back. At that time I was living in an incredibly nice apartment complex and attending one of the best business schools in the country. The only setback was that it was all completely unwarranted.
Whenever any task became difficult I would generally quit, it became a recurring theme in my life. Sure, there was the occasional moment due to the encouragement of a friend that I may have pushed through, but it was indeed quite rare. I had grown accustom to just skating by, it was all I ever knew. Fast forward to the present time; as I drag myself to the mirror every morning the difference between now and a couple years ago is pretty dramatic. The muscles that rippled through my arms are no longer existent, my shoulders are now narrow and curve inwards. A face that was once filled with color and defined with strong features, is now a lifeless dull gray, marked with a thinness that is correlated with not being well. I should be mortified with this new man staring back at me, but I am not. Though there are times I may cringe at my new appearance, I am usually content. The feelings of condescension and disdain towards myself are no longer there, and that is because for the first time since being born I am earning my life.
For those of you that have been following my story you are probably aware that I am currently in the midst of a brutal treatment to try and overcome a debilitating illness. The side effects produced from my current treatment tend be just as, if not more devastating than chemotherapy for cancer patients. I spend most of my days now collapsed on my knees with my face hovered over a toilet as the nausea consumes me. My body will involuntarily shake viciously, the jerked movements completely out of my control. People who come across me will inevitably confuse me with a Parkinson's patient, and I dont blame them at this point. To the foreign eye I am trapped in hell, and while they may be correct in their assessment, it isn't the entire story. Though I would never choose to be in shoes that Im currently filling, there is a piece of me that relishes the struggle.
For the first I can ever recall I feel as i am now earning everything. If I somehow find a way to overcome this illness and win, the guilt that consumed my entire life will forever be gone. Quitting is no longer an option in this difficult task because we all know where quitting will lead me now. I simply can not back out of this; there may be a time when I have given everything Ive had and it will be OK to let go, but that time hasn't arisen yet. For the time being, I am fighting with everything I have. The complaining and whining that was a common theme in my life simply isn't there anymore. When I stare back at that new reflection in the mirror I simply nod at it, signifying a confirmation to myself that I must fight through the day, I must fight for my existence.
When you are faced with a life threatening hurdle you have to adapt and transform yourself. We all still have the tools to survive and overcome insurmountable odds even though society tries to inhibit those attributes from ever being accessed. I realized from day one that if I did not dig deep into myself and find the traits that were essential to humans thriving in this world than I would never make it through this hell. If I were to let all the fears that come along with this situation devour me, I would not have lasted as long as I have so far. Don't get me wrong, there are times where I will find the unknown of my predicament debilitating me as much as the disease itself; but once I catch myself letting the mental aspect destroy me I will stop those thoughts and move on.
I am aware that all the suppressed feelings and anger will eventually catch up with me. If I am one of the lucky ones that is able to beat this, the world will not suddenly become rainbows and lollipops once this struggle is over. I will at some point have to acknowledge and deal with the ugly traumatic distress that comes with this battle, but I can't do it now. For the time being I have to ignore the fact that this isn't something a young man should have to endure, For the time being I need to come to terms that this is my life for now and I can't change that. The fulfilling entity in this process is that if Im able to win this war, than any issue that may arise in my future will be much easier to manage. Every day that I am given after this will have been earned, and that satisfaction would've only been obtained by going through something similar to this. As I've stated previously, as difficult as this whole ordeal has been, I am at least able to take the pleasure in knowing that for the first time ever, I have Earned My Life.
